I’ve never written a Christmas piece before. Everyone in catering hates Christmas, but not for the reasons you’d automatically assume. If you choose to cook for a living, but don’t like being busy, then you’ve made an error of judgement. Having said that, it is far from uncommon for small operations to see December as an opportunity to recoup takings, and to overstretch staff leading to burnout and plummeting standards. No, the worst thing about Christmas is the punters. Not you of course, the lovely regulars and people who spend money mid week and know how to enjoy yourselves without being rude to the staff. If anything, the winter amateurs are apt to drive your core audience away, making room for the part time pissheads, the office joker who vomits in the urinals and steals the handwash, because being a prick to a small business is fucking hilarious.
I digress, so onto Uncle Rico’s top festive tips for a super happy jolly time. I wrote these as some user generated content for a journo and never heard back. I can only assume my tone didn’t match the style guide. First things first, what do you buy the difficult person who you haven’t taken the time to get to know? If in doubt buy booze. People aren’t drinking enough Medeira, but they should. Not only is it almost universally delicious, it fits neatly into the tradition of fortified festive intoxicants like Sherry of Port, but offers something slightly out of the ordinary. Go somewhere good like Mitchell’s or Starmore Boss and talk to the staff.
What am I, a chef, planning for Christmas? Surely you’ll be taking charge in the kitchen and cooking up a storm? No. I will be cooking as little as possible for Christmas, ideally nothing at all. A fallacy believed exclusively by people who’ve never worked in the industry is that chefs enjoy cooking at home, and as a result are good to live with. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Ok then, if you don’t cook at home, what on Earth are you eating when you’re not at work forgetting to feed yourself? KH is my most often visited food shop in Sheffield, because there’s nowhere that comes close for Chinese ingredients, fresh frozen and preserved, plus the deli cater for daily roasted ducks, chicken feet, glutinous rice dumplings and such. Pound Bao Zi situated at ground level is my go to for dough sticks, noodles and hand made dim sum. For a treat by Friday the most exciting thing happening in Sheffield is Gilt Patisserie, a one man powerhouse that is better than ninety per cent of patisseries in France. Outside of places like Lyon or Paris, that number is closer to 100.
You must have some ‘hacks’ though? Everyone is terrified of cooking on the big day aren’t they? Please help. No amount of tricks and tips are going to save Christmas if you haven’t cooked all year and aren’t sure what you’re doing, so my biggest tip is don’t try too hard. It’s not a competition, and if you want to buy ready made roast potatoes, gravy or pigs in blankets it doesn’t really matter, Delia isn’t judging you. She doesn’t care. Rather than roast a bird on the day when youre half cut and desperately trying to find the fine line between food poisoning and dry meat, a slow cooked braise that you can warm up and hot hold along the lines of a cow au vin or daube du boeuf is your friend. Also, don’t stress about finding a gourmet Christmas pudding. They all come out of the same factory.
